The wild-eyed boy from Freecloud

Today is David Bowie's birthday.

I woke up feeling the beginnings of a panic attack. The last strings of a dream were carrying over, and I felt like it was going to happen, or that it had already begun... like it was a portend, like I had no choice but to watch it come true.

doug and i had separated for some reason, some decision that i'd made had led us to be "friends" for a while. he was seeing someone else to keep himself from loneliness, and said he still loved me. i watched from the back of his basement as he and a dark-haired girl with glasses-- whom my pouting brain told me wasn't pretty at all, merely cute-- played and laughed. bennett walked away and ignored the whole thing, maybe depressed, maybe involved, maybe not caring. i was left alone, as though invisible, watching him fall in love with someone else. no one cared that i was there. i've never, ever felt that kind of pain, and it didn't stop when i woke up.

He told me over and over that it would never happen, that all of this was impossible, that my brain was just punishing me the way it always does. He even tried to re-interpret the dream by saying that the dark-haired girl was me, a person that I could be if I tried. It took about an hour, but eventually I started breathing normally again and remembered what was real.

It feels a little stupid to be so upset by this, but everything was so... exact. I wandered away the way I wander when I'm so upset I can't think, and while it was clearly unrealistic that I walked in on a guest lecture being delivered by Norah Jones, I still feel that terror of the beginning of the end. I remember how much it hurt.

I stil hurt, and all I want to do is hide.