as many requiems as possible

I have never had a more difficult day than those past few hours. I got past the screaming sobs and the shock as they went down the shower drain with soap and tears. I went into action as soon as I towelled off. I've never seen myself so level-headed. I've never felt so old. Other than procedural trepidation, I am left with only a deep sorrow. I don't want to celebrate. I have no cause to. I'm just cold and sad and I tripped and fell off the bus just now and I am so, so scared that this will make us lose something. Part of the joy we took in each other, maybe some of the trust. The truth is that now I have made another sad memory for him to feel the sharpness of the past in, and I always wanted to be so different for him. I'm so sad. I've never felt such a wordless anchor, never had such an overwhelming reason. I do now. Birthday transmission, end.