error: uncertain domain

There are few things that are more terrifying to me than not knowing what is going on inside my body. In fact, I would be hard pressed to come up with something that scares me more absolutely and fundamentally. That's why I've never been one for substances. I don't like being out of my own control, and I don't like unexpected changes to my health. (greatest explanation for recent anxiety and near-constant terror) It seems this thought is overwhelmingly appropriate on the eve of my twenty-first birthday- a day already sadder than most birthdays because people only seem to care about the alcoholic number, and not a whit that it's my birthday. How strange to be eclipsed by one's age. But then, I've never had the gumption to be special. My intent is simply to ignore the day as much as possible. I'd rather be left alone, I think. I don't think the ability to drink is going to change my life in any way. I truly don't care. I wish they knew how I felt. It's not easy for people from this culture to understand. But I decided today- on the subject of not understanding what a body is doing- that what would be worse than not knowing, worse even than having to choose, would be to know and be powerless. I just have to keep telling myself that I'm not, and maybe the fog won't matter.