I don't like the person I am being right now. I don't like how negative she is, and how deliberately that negativity comes. I am not certain if it's my environment or my defense mechanisms, but I know, even as I'm behaving that way, that it's not me.
I know I'm not being myself. And I know that this negativity comes out when I want to seem strong. But that's not strength. It's not. It's just easier to lie and portray the damaging kind of strength.
I don't know how I learned or decided that no one would think you were strong if you weren't forceful. If you weren't somehow damaging. Maybe it's to do with my upbringing. Maybe it's because I never really thought I was strong.
Don't know. It gets harder to stand on my own and not get sad, harder with every inch the sun sinks and every degree colder it gets. I don't have a choice, though. I have to be on my own this week, and I can't even try to rely on the one I love.
Suck.
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