I'm growing to love these hours of watching my friend's baby. Every time I learn more about her, how to make her happy. I was so nervous at first, though. Now she's asleep and all I have to worry about is whether s. will start another "discussion" when she arrives to take over. I hope not.
Even in a week, it has progressed to the point at which talking about things is no longer useful. I think we need space, cordiality, and time. When things go badly, you start to build up resentments. And I know both of us are defensive and somewhat prone to holding grudges, although for different reasons. We just need to give ourselves the opportunity to let things go. The closer we are in proximity, the angrier we will get with each other, and that has the potential for great ruin.
I like her and respect her too much for that to happen. It's tough because we're both changing a great deal, and we're having trouble letting go of the old selves long enough to understand each other. Maybe that's the whole point, and maybe that's why leases only last a year.
I should tell her these things.
"and you already know how this will end"
I love the way those last strains of the strings flow through my mind for so long afterward. It's like a lingering, painful peace. Much like I feel right now.
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